Recently I wrote about the sneaky guilt spiral that I was in. While most of the feelings in the post are completely normal to have as a new parent, it became too much for me to handle on my own. I felt like I was in a hole sinking deeper and deeper not being able to get myself out. I could not get a win, and my world seemed like it was against me. I was not able to find any joy in my day to day existence, and was really struggling.
My OB had suggested weeks prior to that post that I take an antidepressant for postpartum depression and I turned her down. I felt that if I took her up on her offer, that I was a failure. I don’t know why I felt this way. It’s a stigma that taking medication for mental illness always seems to drag along with it. However, after three days of breaking down for no reason I called my OB and ended up getting a prescription for Zoloft. It was too much for me to handle on my own and I needed some help.
I have been on the medication for well over a month now and I have not told many people about it. I feel embarrassed, like I lost some sort of battle by asking for help. I go out with my friends and feel like I have some dirty little secret that I can’t share. What if they judge me? What if they think I am not as good of a mom as them? What if they think I am weak? What if they think I am crazy?
Then I thought to myself “I am not perfect, I should not expect myself to be perfect, and if I need help that doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me strong to admit it.” I want to be open and honest about my journey through motherhood, and I don’t want to hide or feel shame for any bumps along the road. I want others to feel empowered to get the help they need, and not feel the shame and guilt that I felt.
This interview from Kristen Bell really spoke to me. This quote in particular
If you do decide to go on a prescription to help yourself, understand that the world wants to shame you for that, but in the medical community, you would never deny a diabetic his insulin ever! But for some reason, when someone needs a serotonin inhibitor, they’re immediately crazy or something.
Motherhood is unbelievably hard, and there are chemical imbalances that happen when you have a child. SO many hormones are out of whack, and I have suffered many ups and downs over the last 6 months — not to mention how my entire life has changed in the blink of an eye. I write about my journey because hopefully I can be a cog in the wheel to normalize the need for medication for those who suffer postpartum depression.